My finest hour on the Internet

I visited the iPhone porn site mobileboner and along with boring generic porn there was this button for chat. Like a pig after truffles I couldn't resist the temptation to be a virtual asshole and see what dregs slither about looking for the mythical desperate for loving female to hurl socially inept virginal comments at, in the hope they meet a real girl who will then be their girlfriend and sucky fuck them out of their mums house and back into the sunlight in a shower of rays to tan their palid mole like faces. This will never happen for most of these shut in's and here is the proof that the human race will once again become monkeys.
Below is an excert of my chat I have claimed to be a girl and have been asked if I want cock the rest is my finest chat ever.
anonymous: swan are you a girl do u want cock?
Swanhater says: Um I dunno is it magical?
Swanhater says: If I lick it will I get a disease that makes me punch your balls till you pass out?
anonymous: So how bout u suck me off
anonymous: No i don't have diseases
Swanhater says: How about you suck off yourself while I watch "Mrs Doubtfire" with Robin Williams
anonymous: Can I shove my dick up ur ass?
Swanhater says: Mmmm I'll watch that whilst dressed as harry potter
anonymous: Can I?
Swanhater says: No way it's not normal you magical beasts are all the same
anonymous: Fine in ur pussy?
Swanhater says: Plus last time I had wizard rash for weeks and stars kept falling from my ass
Swanhater says: Pussy is ok guess
Swanhater says: Mine is rotten though
anonymous: Can I cum inside u?
Swanhater says: Dumbledoor and his rancid cock did that
anonymous: Can u blow my cock?
Swanhater says: Yes please So your troglodite seed can mutate in me mmmmmm
Swanhater says: Blow yes like haggrids wind I'll blow mmmm
anonymous: How bout suck?
anonymous: so?


I'm proud to expose the bullshit that men are willing to ignore. The common sense they obviously no longer possess and the migration of any brain power to their crotch because the obscure blantently obvious piss taking comments are coming from a "female"

Here is the link to mobileboner Admin chat history although it's really not worth reading. Apparently no one in there wanted to talk to me about Steven Tomlinksons African Balloon Adventure.
http://chatter.flooble.com/hist.php?id=354155&page=4


- Posted with indifference.

Alexander McQueen commits suicide, Captain Phil Harris dies, reality tv shows I like and Propaghandi.

So Alexander McQueen is dead. Found today in his Mayfair home after comiting suicide. What a sad waste of talent. I guess it goes to show that having everything means nothing if you are deeply unhappy, which I'm presuming he was to take his own life. I'm awaiting all the quotes of "fashion will never be the same again..." " we have lost a great designer... " "he was deeply troubled..." to start speeding across the ticker tape thing at the bottom of sky news, to the point i don't care or start counting in my head how many times a minute they rotate the same messages. Desperately wanting something more horrific to have happened so the messages will change. I have an obsession with news sites, tv news and news apps. I must check the news more than 30 times a day, I really should work harder or check the news less, one of the two.
That brings me onto Captain Phil Harris who sadly died yesterday. Firstly I hate fish as a food. I dislike the taste, texture and smell. I don't care for crab as a food either. Infact I hate boats and trips I have made on them, it's all over the place and am a bigger fan of cars and planes as a form vehicular transport, but I love Deadliest Catch and I loved watching the chain smoking salty sea dog Captain Phil and his crew which includes his two sons catch king crabs. Infact I like "swords" the reality show about swordfish fishermen. I like "Sharkmen" about fishermen and a couple of nerdy scientists who tag sharks. I like "Big Brother/Celebrity Big Brother" About a bunch of gormless sycophantic fame hungry talentless pricks in a house. I even like "I'm a celebrity get me out of here" about bottom of the barrel z list celebrities eating bugs and being made to look like cunts for a few weeks. But most of all I like "Deadliest Catch" and Captain Phil Harris, i will miss watching you fella.

I listened to punk rock while I wrote this.

Dear Coach's Corner/Propaghandi




- Posted with indifference.

2010 it's a bit like 2009, Piano playing big headed whore pig from hell, Lazy English people are nicer when it snows and Good Riddance.

So 2010 started, and as I watched the montage of fireworks displays from around the world thinking "wow what a load of shit this is" it got worse. As I tried desperatley to topple the London Eye and give the crowd aids and cancer with only the power of my already very hazy mind a terrible thing happened. Myleen Klass infected my screen to talk to frozen northeners pushed against barriers there to celebrate some colourful bangs and mass cheering for... I'm not sure, being squashed in the cold with other equally stupid people?Am I alone in thinking that she is well a bit shit? I don't know, maybe I'm bias because I dislike people whose heads are too big for their bodies, she mocks the laws of physics and I'm sure she is a minion of Jane Asher, who incase you didn't know is the Antichrist.
So a little bit of snow and England shuts down. It's a few inches of snow!!! Not that I care it seems the snow is enough to make strangers engage in snowball fights instead of ignoring each other. Even the sunny delight drinking, stab happy, hoody bad boys who stand in the doorway next to the shop at the top of my road offered to help push my car last night. So everyone shirks work, but we are a nation of lazy cunts anyway so that's not new, but the snow making everyone a bit happier that's the money shot. Also I have seen plenty of people fall over which resulted in me laughing out loud in real time for a change, and laughing at others misfortune really cheers me up.

I listened to punk rock while I wrote this.
Weight of the World/Good Riddance

- Posted with indifference.

Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas, The worst christmas TV show ever and Star Fucking Hipsters.

So it's Christmas Eve the only night of the year when parents champion the idea that a fat reclusive man with a penchant for little children will break into your house and empty his sack into their bedrooms.
Anyway as it's Christmas Eve i thought it fitting to mention the worst Christmas TV show ever. You may or may not know that it is Star Wars Holiday Special. This is not just the worst Christmas TV show ever its one of the worst things to be filmed ever. Below is the abomination in its entirety, on a plus note you do get to see a wookie with tits if you like that kind of thing.

So Merry Christmas and a happy New Year cunts.

I listened to punk rock while i wrote this
Only Sleep/Star Fucking Hipsters

Brittany Murphy, the worst cup of coffee ever, 2012 and wrecktrospective.

When i heard Brittany Murphy was dead yesterday morning the first thing that my mind came up with was DRUGS. When hearing that it was a heart attack the same word rang in my head. Instantly my mind mind raced with all the possibilties of the worst death you could have in Hollywood. I know i am not alone in this way of thinking. Brittany Murphy dying is terrible she was the same age as me and its no age to die, and i feel sympathy for her family i really do. The media is rife with speculation of eating disorders and drug abuse but its all a bit thin on proof. Sadly i am a sadist and as sad as her death is what happened to the fantastic Hollywood death? John Belushi died from being up for 3 days shooting up cocaine and heroin, the night he died he was visited in his hotel room by friends Robin Williams and Robert De Niro. 2 months later Cathy Smith admitted to injecting John Belushi with the fatal speedball, Jayne Mansfield almost decapitated in a car crash, Dominique Dunne one of the stars of "Poltergeist" was strangled to death by her boyfriend whilst the music from"Poltergeist "played in the background, Phil Hartman was murdered by wife while he slept. His wife later returned to the murder scene and blew her brains out, Elvis Presley died on the toilet fat washed up and bloated reading "The Scientific Search for the Face of Jesus". These are the Hollywood deaths i want to see everyone seems to be dying of misuse of prescription drugs or disease this is not the Hollywood i have come to know and love.
Yesterday i took my car to the dealership to be fixed it needed a new tyre, brake pads, piston and disk. The staff were courteous, friendly and helpful. The coffee i had while i waited for a cab to pick me up was the shittiest skank i have ever had the misfortune to drink, no lie it was disgusting to the point i believe it might be a secret bitter as burnt whore batch made by a disgruntled employee.
I watched 2012 last night it made my coffee i had earlier that day seem like Moun Salwa from heaven.

I listened to punk rock while i wrote this.
Wrecktrospective/Fat Wreck Chords